Depression...an analogy. this kinda hit me smack in the head today

I was sitting with my daughter at breakfast time drinking a diet coke at the table and this thought occurred to me. I have an addiction....not a normal regular drug/drinking addiction, or internet addiction, or a cell phone addiction or any sort of those. Depression is my "drug" and i am....in fact addicted to it. While yes i am "sober" of depression now for the most part that doesn't mean that every day i do not battle with it the way that i do. It does mean that every time someone brings up depression or suicide or being suicidal, the first initial thing that pops into my head is hey...i have that...i really wanna cut myself...i really wanna kill myself...i really wanna quit my life...i wanna be numb...i wanna not feel. It's like it grabs my brain and tries to pull it down into the black hole that is depression. It is a constant internal battle of overcoming the addiction, the drug. Believing that i deserve happiness and not sadness. It's been my drug since before i even knew it, and i think it will be an addiction that i will struggle and battle with for the rest of my life.

Now before you all start worrying about me, don't worry. This is just an analogy that popped into my head this morning while drinking a diet coke. A lot of people don't understand depression and yes i know it's a chemical imbalance and all of that. I have taken anti depressants on and off for years. Most recently after I had the bubs. I had postpartum depression after both of my babies. But you also have to choose to get the help you need when you are depressed and that takes a lot of strength. to choose to stop feeling the way that you feel because when you're depressed at least when i was...i didn't want to feel anything not even happiness. I didn't want to choose anything i just wanted to disappear. I imagine that that might be how addicts feel at their very worst moments. Both people have to choose to want to be better. Both people have to choose life and yes sometimes we still falter, we are human after all.

So i guess all in all depression is my drug...i have to chose to win my thoughts from my own self. I have to choose to control my thought reactions when people talk about depression and suicide and win over my brain that hey i have that but i really don't want to cut myself, i really don't want to kill myself, i don't want to quit my life, and i don't want to be numb, and i do want to feel. I choose to not let this "drug" and "addiction" win and it is hard work but it's completely worth it.