Missing...

I wrote this the beginning of december...i just didn't think the time was right to post it then.

I'm mostly writing this blog post in the chance that maybe just maybe it will help someone by reading what i've gone through...but im just giving you a heads up...it's gunna be a deep sad one.

NOTE: These are my memories, and my perceptions. This is a few years of my life from my point of view...no one elses and i'm sure other peoples point of view may differ greatly from mine...just keep that in mind.

I have what i believe to be a completely irrational fear of death. I didn't use to, but i sure do now. (maybe i should go to therapy...but it's not constantly there but when it is it IS) I think being a parent has caused this. Along with all of the loss i have been through the last 7 years. I just look at my little ones and i pray to god every night that he won't take any more people away from me...i know this may be selfish but if i lost one of my babies or my husband...or anyone in my family really before they are old and grey I don't think i could survive it...not again...i'm not saying that it's any easier when you lose someone who is older...i just don't think it's fair when life is taken away before they really get a chance to live it and grow old. Anyways...

S.I.D.S. has been on my mind lately..alot...maybe i shouldn't read any articles and i know the chances of it happening to Brantly are slim but still...it's still there...the very slight posibillity that i could wake up one morning and him be gone...it makes me sick. Just typing this makes me want to vomit. So i'll stop..

As i said before i didn't used to always be this way...when i was little maybe ten or so for some reason i was soo unhappy...i would go lay out on the trampoline in our back yard and just bawl...beg god to just end my life i did this several times and he didn't...In 9th grade i started cutting myself, I was extremely depressed and again i didn't know why...It may have had to do with the fact that my parents were divorced it may have had to do with the fact that i didnt really feel like i had anyone there for me friend wise or maybe it had to do with the fact that I felt like an outsider i don't know. I had a friend elise and we would talk about commiting suicide like it wasn't a big deal. We'd write notes back and forth back and forth about it. Finally i decided that i'd take a whole bunches of my brothers amoxicillin...(yeah im quite the idiot) Obviously that couldn't kill me but i had no idea...i thought it could. I wrote in a note that i had done that. It fell out of my pocket and needless to say my mom found out. We then went to the e.r. where they did a pshyc test on me etc...i also got some really delicious juice out of it and the dr joked that i need to not do that again just for the juice. I got put on 72 hour watch with my mom. I went with her to curves i remember, but not much else other than i'd broken her heart for the first time i think.

My high school years were much more insane if you can believe it...you should. I went to good ol P.G. high school for 3 terms. I met a boy named kyle (this was a life changing moment for me and would change the course of my life...sometimes i wonder what would have happened if i had never met him) He was a tall skinny red head like me. I liked him alot but he lived in Rexburg Idaho of all places. That faded away I then moved up to my dad and rhonda's house and went to Granite high school for a term. I smoked my first cigarette with a girl i met from there...it wasn't offered to me i asked for it...when i was little i used to get paper and grass and roll it up and smoke that. Or light matches blow them out and put them in my mouth and inhale...i also tasted my first beer with that same girl...i thought it was horrible but i enjoyed the cigarette...a virginia slim. I tried to get my hands on some pot but that never came about....yet. I did get a 3.4 g.p.a. though...the highest of my high school career.
Between all this i started dating a boy named zach...who i met through kyle...I was up in Rexburg visiting zach...when he told me he really wanted me to meet his friend Josh. So Josh came over...zach pushed him down the stairs and i was sitting on the edge of the couch...He stood up and just starred at me...then walked away. I thought he was just the most wonderful human being i had ever seen in my life. Eventually zach and i broke up and i very rarely spoke to josh.

I started 11th grade at murray high school. I attended for about 3 weeks i think and i hated it there. It was such a huge school...I tried to do good but i just hated it...so i moved back down in with my mom. I then enrolled into Lone Peak high. I enjoyed this school. I loved my art teacher as well as my orchestra teacher. I liked all of my classes but i never turned in homework and i often skipped out to go do whatever with my friends. I cut all my hair off well not all of it but it was sure short and i dyed it black. This caught the attention of a boy named Sam. I had a huge crush on this kid. Eventually i caught his eye and we started dating. I would talk to josh every once and a while but he usually had lady friends so i never thought much of it. I drank alcohol and finally started smoking weed. I was also a fairly regular cigarette smoker. But boy i sure did love weed when i had the chance to smoke it. Wasn't a huge fan of drinking though..hated the taste of all of it. One night sam and i and a bunch of other people were at this kid nicky's house..He was nice and quite. I had myspaced (yes im old/young) messaged back and forth and would talk a little in the hallways. Well after everyone had left Nicky's house...he decided to take his life. He hung himself in his garage. The next day i was with sam and he told me what had happened. I guessed pills...i was wrong. I had never really experienced death with someone who just a few hours prior i had been with. Someone my age that i knew...it was very difficult even though i wasn't close to him. I started to talk to josh more often we would text back and forth and he was becoming one of my dearest friends. Eventually Josh and i finally started dating..yes while i was still dating sam. It was easy to get away with for a while simply because Josh lived in rexburg. Finally at a orchestra concert i broke it off with sam. Also Josh knew that i was still dating sam at the time. I was on the tracker system with school where you have to have your teachers sign that you were in class...i didn't do it got sent to the vice principles office where he told me i would get suspended if i didn't and i said hmmm isn't that ironic that you're going to suspend me for not going to school...he seemed to think so too and i wasn't bothered again. My mom eventually just took me out of school. I don't think she knew what to do with me anymore. I was on a downward spiral...i didn't see it that way at the time but she and i'm sure everyone else did as well.

Josh and i were very much in love. As much in love as one person can be with another when you're teenagers. He was my world and i was his. When we would get to visit each other it was heaven. Nothing else in the world mattered. Neither of us were doing drugs at this time besides smoking ciggs. He was so handsome and had a smile that would just totally melt my heart. He was kind and always cared about others more than himself. He treated me like a queen. I knew that that boy loved me more than anything else on the planet. But eventually our relationship became unhealthy. I place this upon myself. I was the reason that it did. I couldn't love him like i wanted to, like he needed me to. I didn't know how to let myself be this person that he was so in love with. I didn't feel like i deserved it. I started to distance myself. I was still cutting. I hated that we were so far apart. I wanted to be normal be in a relationship with someone that was close to me. (ironic that i had given that up with sam...) I couldn't handle the long distance i was only 17. It was all so intense...i couldn't handle it. It was so hard to stay true to him. I'm no angel. I would hang out with guy friends. He would get so jealous. I would tell him not to worry..(things happened...we'll just put it that way...i'm the one mostly to blame for everything) we just kept growing farther and farther apart. He kept telling me all the time that he wouldn't have a reason to live if it wasn't for me. Then he would get mad at me for not being there for him like i should have been. Oh how i wish i would have been...oh how i wish i could have been there...and not have been selfish and just turning the other cheek to his sadness. All he wanted was for me to come back to him...for it to be like it was in the beginning. How i wish i could have really loved him like he deserved to be loved. But i couldn't...in the end it was destroying me. I was resenting him for being so far away. For him not being with me...if he loved me so much why wasn't he there...but it was me who wasn't there. I was hanging out with some guy friends at a dee's. I had previously talked to my dad that day and told him that i was going to break up with josh. He thought this was a good idea as he could see what our relationship was doing to me. So that night at dee's he called me. I didn't really want to talk to him...He was crying...he wanted to talk to me so badly..he told me he had cut himself. It made me mad. He told me to get up and go into the bathroom to talk to him. The guys i was with were laughing and said just get it over with don't go to the bathroom. I told him that it was over...i couldn't do it anymore...he begged me to just talk to him...he was crying uncontrolably I told him i loved him...he told me he loved me too...I hung up the phone...those were the last words i ever heard him say...I tried to call him at around 5 in the morning or so...his phone rang and rang and went to voicemail...I called him again and that time it just went straight to voicemail. I went to bed...woke up went to work. I was working at a music store at the Valley Fair mall..I got a phone call from a 208 area code...idaho...thought that was strange so i answered it. It was the police. They told me i was the last person that josh had talked to, wanted to know what our conversation was about so i told him that we had broken up. I asked him if everything was alright was josh ok did he run away where was he what was going on...then BAM. The officer told me that he had killed himself. I asked him how and he said do you really want to know and i said yes...He hung himself...I hit the floor...i started panicking, crying sobbing screaming all at work...I called my dad no answer i called him again he answered asking me what was wrong...he killed himself i told him...He came to my work right away and got me. I don't really remember much after that. I went to the funeral...at the viewing I was looking at him...eventually i just fell to the floor sobbing...again. His dear mother Barbara came over to me and held me told me it was all going to be ok...I wish now that i could have been the one holding her...at the time i felt this was all my fault..im sure she felt this way for a while too...i'm sure some people still do. I don't blame them.. I played ashokan farewell on my violin at the service...My dad and rhonda and my mom and grandpa came up for moral support....the next few months...i just felt numb.

I turned 18 just a little over a month later after josh passed i dropped out of high school. I got a studio apartment with this girl rachel. I did ecstacy with her and cocaine...she introduced me to an anti anxiety pill called colanapin...they are crazy pills...take 3 and you feel like you're drunk off your butt. So i went to my dr...told her i was having really bad anxiety and she gave me a perscription. I of course took 7 or 8 the first day about the same the second day and finally on thursday night the 3rd day i took the rest of the 60 pills. I wrote my suicide notes and all that jazz. I fell asleep fully expecting to never see the light of day again. Until i did. I was extremely messed up. I tried to tell stories to my parents about how my pills had gotten stolen but none of it added up until finally i told my mom that i had taken them all. She immediately came and got me. I pretty much slept the next day away...My dad and rhonda and my mom wanted to have a meeting sunday afternoon to decide whether i needed to be put in a pshyc ward or not or what to do with me. I didn't want this meeting to happen. I remember my mom and grandparents going to church. I went upstairs into the garage. I grabbed a hose. I tied it up to a wooden beam i grabbed the hose and stepped off these stairs to make sure it wouldn't stretch or break or anything like that. I then got back onto the stairs held the hose tight and wrapped it 4-5 times around my neck. I stepped off the stairs my feet 2-3 feet off the ground and i remember thinking...hmmm i can't breathe...darkness. I woke up laying flat on the ground. the hose had not stretched and i had no burn marks from it unwinding around my neck if that makes sense but somehow i had ended up flat on the ground...i got the most disgusting feeling that if i didn't get this hose off from around my neck that i would die. I still couldn't breathe i finally got the hose off. I went downstairs and got back into my bed...within 2 minutes honest my mom came into my room. She had come home from church...if i had just let myself lay there or if i hadn't somehow ended up on the ground she would have found me...and i would have been gone.


I of course didn't tell her or anyone about that episode until much much later. When i did tell her however she told me something in return. While she was sitting in sacrament meeting she had a urge that she felt like she really needed to go check on me...to make sure that i was ok. How incredible is that. I think it is.


Anyways...sorry this is such a long post i won't go into any more about my own personal insanity that was my life for a really long time....fast forward to after i have emery. I think she was 3 weeks old or so when my wonderful grandma tew passed away. Her funeral was lovely. My poor father...his poor heart. I wish i could have been better at being there for him during that time like he has always been for me. At least i am healthy now and can be there for him. She was such a wonderful woman. When you would visit she would always put both of her hands on your cheeks and just hold your face and look at you with a smile. I always loved the ephriam visits to see them. The christmas tree hunting. The red mush. The tarts. All the cousins. The marble board game that for some reason at the moment the name is escaping me. I loved it down there. I still do...I need to be better about going and visiting my grandpa..I will work on that. But what a sweet woman my grandma tew was.

Fast forward some more a few years. My mother lost her cousin valerie to cancer. I had only  met valerie a number of times. I knew she was a book editor. I also knew that anyone who knew her thought he was the sweetest greatest lady. I don't know all the details about the end of her life all i know is that it happened very fast. It really hit my mom...we would have talks about death she and i every once and a while. We would talk about how it's hard and strange that when we see beautiful things on the earth we think this person won't ever see that...things like that.
My Husband lost his cousin who i had only met a couple of times. But he was a really nice guy the times i did meet him. His funeral was hard for me to go to and keep it together because of my past with josh. His was a similar circumstance. But i did my best to be there for my husband.

In october 2011 my grandma marilyn passed away. She had had heart surgery and never recovered fully from it. I and alot of my cousins and family were with her the night before she passed. My cousins sang and we all just visited. I held my grandma's hand and told her i loved her. The next morning she was gone. My mom is a very strong woman. I told her that she could call me at any time to talk...or if she needed anything i was there. At my grandma's funeral i remember just watching my mom sitting quietly as she watched her mom get laid to rest...i could see that she was crying i ran over to her and just held her...i didn't let her go for quite a while...at that moment in time i knew how she was feeling...My grandma marilyn was a great strong woman. She had the prettiest white hair. She had such a gift at caligraphy and crafts like making little boxes out of paper and things like that...and i am so glad that she got to see me in my wedding dress.

Death is easily one of the hardest things we have to go through and experience in this life. Even if it's someone you don't know very well or a friend of a friend...death weighs heavy on my heart. I hope that everyone that read's this post can take something positive from it...even though it was a depressing darker post of my crazy past. I just hope it helps someone...

Look at my life now after all the crazyness i put myself through. I am so grateful that i am still here. For my second chances at life. Life is great...even when it doesn't seem like it.