Dreams Part 1

I am one who is lucky and can generally remember most of my dreams quite vivadly. I suppose lucky is maybe not the right word since sometimes my dreams are quite sad and i wake up and feel as though my whole world has been turned upside down. However there are some dreams that i have that at one point in my life i hated because they were so overwhelming and every time i would wake up from these dreams i would be sobbing, but now i look at these dreams as gifts to me. These dreams i speak of are about Josh (he was my most dear friend that took his life several years ago). We loved each other and had dreams of our own. After his suicide i went on a downword spiral. The first time i had a dream about him was in march, a couple of months after he had died. I was at someones house and from what i remember we were playing pool (i played pool ALOT back then). I heard a doorbell ring and we went upstairs from the basement and i heard someone say Josh and Dominick are here (dom is his little brother). My heart dropped and i was so confused in my dream. I felt so mad that someone could be saying something so cruel around me. People moved out of the way and sure enough i couldn't believe my eyes he was there. I started bawling and just hugged him. I had so many emotions running through me. Confusion, anger, happiness, sadness and many others. He said to me, "i'm so sorry emma, i am so sorry. They took me away and staged my suicide and showed me what it would do to everyone if i actually did it. Like it was a show for me to watch so that i could really see how much it would hurt everyone, I'm so sorry." I just kept hugging him unable to believe that he was still alive. All of my pain washed away i was so happy to hear him, see him, smell him, touch him. Then we all decided that we were going to go bowling...then i woke up. I layed in my bed for a few moments before the realization hit me. IT WAS JUST A DREAM. talk about cutting open a hardly healed wound. I started sobbing hysterically in my bed. Why couldn't my dream be reality and my life be a dream. It was awful.

Another while goes by.

I have another dream. This time it was like i was a detective and i was trying to find him and he was running away. Like he had done something bad and was feeling guilty about it and couldn't talk to me. Then finally he let me find him. He was under and overpass and he was wearing awful dirty clothes like a homeless person would. I started freaking out because i was so worried about him. He hugged me and said "emma, I am ok. I need you to be ok. I have to go now but i'll see you soon i promise." Then i woke up...This time my reaction wasn't as awful. This dream felt like he was telling me that i was going to be ok and that he was ok and just letting me know everything was going to be ok.

I'm mostly writing these on here for my own records so that i don't forget them one day. I'm going to write the other ones another day because i have a wonderful little human who is in need of my attention now :)